Tire-Fesse. "Pull The Butt." This is what the French unabashedly call the unruly contraption they use to drag themselves up their pristine mountain slopes. Comprised of a pole attached to a cable with a circular disk at the other end, it is often a source of painfully embarrassing wipe-outs for the uninitiated.
I'm not sure if the
Tire-Fesse or
Téléski is in universal practice or if the Europeans have invented it for the sole purpose of creating yet one more way for novice skiers to make a spectacle of themselves, but the principle behind it is relatively simple.
I think the reasoning went something like this: Given that novice skiers have so much fun sliding down the slope on their backsides, it is assumed that they will have an equivalent amount of fun being dragged up the slope on their frontside. In front of the entire resort. Et voilà! The
Tire-Fesse.
However with some practice and a few useful tips, the art of getting on and off a
Tire-Fesse can go from elusive to manageable within a few short degrading and utterly embarrassing wipe-outs.
Take heart, take notes, and hit the slopes with these handy tips!
How to use a Tire-Fesse1. First, be sure to miss the entrance gate by about 2 feet so that you are forced to awkwardly sidestep with your skis while everyone behind you waits. Alternatively you can shuffle forward while wobbling unsteadily as your skis slip out from underneath you with every step.
2. Next, leave your poles dangling from your wrists until right before you're about to reach out and grab the
Tire-Fesse. Then scramble to get the straps over your wrists and both poles in one hand while some five-year old with spiderman goggles and a runny nose keeps scraping forward on top of your skis.
3. Now, with your ski poles in one hand, grab the pole of the
Tire-Fesse with the other hand. Attempt to remove it from its slot, wedge the disk between your legs, and bring your skis together in the 15 seconds it takes for the whole contraption to jolt forward, dragging you with it.
4. As you jolt forward unexpectedly, catch your skis on the snow, lose balance and let go of the
Tire-Fesse pole with one hand in an attempt to grab your ski poles that you've just dropped. The disk will then pop out from between your knees. Hang onto it while it drags you up the slope. Let go after about 20 feet and then attempt to reclaim your skis, poles, and dignity while the French ski station employees laugh uncontrollably.
5. Ski back down to the entrance of the
Tire-Fesse. Repeat steps 1-4.